an Activist Mama: a Brain Draining unedited freeflow of thoughts

Ultimately, it’s about the future we create for our children and the generations to come…if they come at all. Sometimes it seems as if there is no hope; we’ve poisoned our soil, cut down or ripped up more than half of our our forests and jungles, spilled vast quantities of toxins into our drinking water supply, poured garbage and oil into our oceans and dispersed particles of pollutants and radiation into our air. None of it has been by accident.

Our largest world industries, bent on building empires of unthinkable wealth, only at the tippity-top of the food chain of humanity, continue to grab resources produced by our beautiful planet –heedless of the warnings we little people drum, march and cry out about, and with reckless disregard of even the most minimum of protective regulations that we’ve place around them for our own safety. It is unfathomable to think that those in power don’t think of their own children’s future well-being, or how they can’t see and believe that their poisoning power is really causing damage.  How can they not believe it? Do they really not see it?

And, if they do, how can they not care? That is the most unfathomable part; the idea that they simply do not care. I can’t seem to wrap my head around that thought.

Sometimes, in trying to accept that thought, I try to understand how those in power –the Oligarchs– must think. How do their thoughts actually process what they see when evidence –real and honest, factually based evidence– is put before them? I do this because I know that the only way to really change something is to work it from the inside. So, into those brainwaves I dive. I’m falling….falling…into the abyss…

All that I think I know about those holding the reins of our lives is that they believe themselves to be intelligent people, who love their own families, and they really seem to believe that they are right. And they seem to believe that they are so correct in their rightness that there is absolutely no room, whatsoever, to squeeze in even a teeny, tiny, microscopic –nay, nanoscopic– smidgeon of doubt (and that’s where there is a fantastic chasm of difference between them and my self. I always have room for doubt. I question, even my own beliefs. They cannot allow question).

When there is no room for doubt, there exists only absolute belief, which, in turn, becomes utter faith; and it is holy. It is sacred. It is… God. I think we all know where that leads. Of course, The Word. And The Word is not about some messy, rib-stealing incestuous creation. No!  The Word is God, and the Word lives in your very own brain (my brain! my brain! I’m feeling it here!).

I pacify before The Word. There is no need to question it, no need to worry about, just keep doing what you are (I am) doing because you’re (my) very own God-brain Word is telling you (me) that it is Right!  no. matter. what. Hallelujah and Amen. My coal and oil, gas-frakking nuclear and GMO pipelined product, that is belching and farting noxious fumes and greasy vomits of toxic shit all over the planet, just can’t possibly be wrong… because to understand for even a moment that it is killing all of us would cause a crack to appear in that holy, sacred, God-brain Word.

I want to cause a crack in The Word and let in the Light of Doubt.

….damn. I think I got religion.

duhn duhn duuuhhhnnnnn.

Of course I fell into the so-called “Christian” fellowship of thought. I haven’t lived in or fully experienced a Jewish, Muslim or Hindu (or Wiccan or Satanist, etc. for that matter) based culture in which to develop an alternate religiously moralistic imagination. I’m a Recovering Catholic, so the foundation given to me as a young child, that shaped my world view, and from which I still struggle to be free, is Catholic/Christian.

Oh, and military. Don’t forget that Patronizing, er, Patriotic spirit! Most of my family of origin is, or was, either in or married to a military life. I nearly joined as well. (thank goodness for college scholarships) HOO-ah.

Let’s not forget racist. Our whole society is steeped in it, and my family of origin is no exception. Even when I try to escape it, expand my awareness, grow, accept others regardless of skin or whatever other differences…I’m aware of it. It exists inside, in the very fabric of my being. I think that’s why it continues to be such a problem in our society. We are steeped in it, molded by it. Our earliest identities are shaped by a culture of racism. So how can any white person in this country (or any other, for that matter) not be racist? Denying it, or powdering it in lovely Tolerance Training classes will not erase it from our social DNA.

It takes a willingness to break the familial code and desire to become more than than who we were destined to become, and a vigilant, self-awareness of our own perception of others. And humility. Lots and lots of humility, to honestly acknowledge the failures, because they do exist (you know they do. go ahead, admit it out loud…just once. try it! I triple-dog dare you.)

I don’t think we can truly free ourselves of any of the baggage of our earliest identity until we can see it for what it is, name it, and then just beat the fuck out it whenever it rears it’s ugly head from within. Once we do, it’s a constant battle within to stop! and not pick it back up.

Maybe it’s not so much about being free of it as it is about shining enough light on it that we can weaken the damage it causes around us. (Really, I just wanna beat the fuck out of it. Let it go bleed to death in the darkest recess of my militarized racist christian soul. If only it were so simple. *sigh*)

THIS is the kind of world in which I chose to bear children. Like any mother, I could never truly wish I’d “never had children”. I’m just far too selfish for that. They are the core of that mysterious warm light I feel burning in pit of my being –my soul, if you will. They make me feel like I have a real purpose for Being. They define Love, without any concept of words. That they exist is the meaning of being alive at all.

BUT (oh, dreadful word!), how and why could I do that to them? They could also be my reason for utter and total shame, guilt without end, my reason to run and hide under a proverbial rock.

Oh Woe! is to me, to commit such terrible a deed as to bear them, for naught else but to witness such a world. Such burden, it crushes my heart!

…Very dramatic, I know. The fact is, the world is pretty fucked. We’re pretty fucked. The Fuckers who rule–YES! RULE, FUCKING FUCKTARD EXTRAORDINAIRE! FUCKING IMBECILE! THOSE VERY FEW WITH MORE GODDAMN FUCKING WEALTH THAN 40% OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD’S DAMN BILLIONS OF OTHER FUCKED HUMAN BEINGS… sorry. sorry. really, I apologize deeply for having a schizoid manic explosion. As I was trying to say:

The fact is, there is a tiny group of people, a couple hundred or so, that own more wealth than billions of other people. It’s disgusting. And although we, all of us together, are contributors to the damage as well, they are the ones pulling all the strings and directing the whole show. In that sense, they are the Rulers. We used to call them Kings, Lords and Ladies, Dukes, Earls, whatever. We are now the pawns in their control game, and were once called Peasants and Serfs, Servants and Slaves.

The even sicker thing I’ve realized is that we are the ones who blindly, numbly, even thoughtlessly, put these yokes and chains and puppet strings back on ourselves. We nodded with glazed eyes and worked in those jobs, gave our votes to those politicians, and gave up fighting when we knew we’d been bamboozled, and just sat back down in front of our TV drug. It’s led to the decimation of our natural world, altered the very climate of the planet to the point that we may not survive the changes that are coming.  (even if we suddenly grew gills, because the oceans are so filthy they’d probably get clogged)

I don’t want that to be the legacy I leave behind for my children. I want them to know what Democracy is, to know that “Capatalism” is not the same thing! That “Socialism” isn’t a dirty word, and it doesn’t have to be synonymous with that scary-evil-dirty-unpatriotic-oh my! “Communism” social structure that leaves hordes of suffering human beings in its wake. Lots of countries have proved that a little “social-ism” (as in, being social, which is being kind, caring about the welfare of your community’s neighbors), blended with democratic governance, can and does work. Not perfectly, but it is working. I want a world in which “rich people do not want to live in a poor country” (gotta find out who to credit for that phrase…)

I don’t want them to have the innate knowledge that, “you can’t go into that neighborhood” because your skin color makes you a target. And I want “that” neighborhood to feel safe and good to the people who live there, without fear that someone of my color has more a more value and right to a live than they do. No more “Hands Up!” murders.

I want my kids to live in a world that believes in Human Rights; that the Right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness means the right to the most basic things that support life: clean water, fresh air, good soil in which to grow good foods. I want laws that allow a person to determine what is right for their own body, without rules and regulations being made to control it based on the lack of dangling external organs between the legs, and health systems designed to support those sovereign body rights.

And natural beauty, unscathed by the machines of greed that would scrape it bare, where natural resources and wildlife are given time to fully replenish, rather than be raped into extinction. And so much more. I want it all for my kids.

Look, I know it’s a still schedule-1-federally-illegal pipe dream, but at the very least, I want to do as much as possible to set it on that course, and leave them with the tools to complete the task for their own children.

And to do that, I have to cause a crack.


Please share your ideas with me. Real ideas, please, that don’t involve killing–even if we all sometimes feel that way. I do believe we need a revolution…well, actually, I think we need an Evolution. Can we do that without resorting to our more violent and hateful social DNA in the lead? How do we wake people up? I know it involves communicating with each other. Deeply. Intimately. Intensely. I open to ideas. Shine the non-religious moralistic Light on me, baby!

*Haters will be blocked, altho you might end up being surrounded with a love circle made up of patchouli-saturated hippies when you least expect, and be doused with heaps of compassionate understanding, with maternal empathy and nurturing poured all over you like sticky honey until you cry “uncle” and join in on the next hater. You have been duly warned. *Religious zealots will get the same treatment.

(*I’m tired now, so I won’t go into it, let’s just say I have a sense of spirituality–an inner connectedness to the universe as a whole–is not the same as religious dogma. I’m not about to burn anyone at the stake for not following my beliefs. so there. nyah.)



free spirit

free spirit



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